That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
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I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
drew a comic about my origin story
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .