[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
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Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours