I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
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My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it