“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
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I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Cats are still liquid.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP