DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
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Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Do one person every day that scares you.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”