I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
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To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen