Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
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“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.