[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
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James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
hi why am I like this
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”