In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
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Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts