One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
The Birdles
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.