*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
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A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
listen closely
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]