it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
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Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.