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@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
A wise man once said nothing.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat