Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
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Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
#Caturday
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
🤣could you imagine
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.