[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
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“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.