Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
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If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Eat…
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I am a gravy boat captain
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.