A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
They must have gotten it to go.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
i want to work in this restaurant
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”