“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
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7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one