I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
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Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Pandas 🐼🖤
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.