I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
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Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
my first dose meeting my second
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince