My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus