i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
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Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
LMAO.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526