Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
You Might Also Like
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Yeah. This was me today.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.