A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
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Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Planet of the Apps.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.