My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
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Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Generation gap…
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!