[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
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Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit