Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting