When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
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Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast