I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
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ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”