me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
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Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Love is always patient and kind.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️