Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
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My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.