When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
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“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.