Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
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REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.