some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
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My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Remember folks 😂
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!