Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
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Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
this chia pet tastes awful
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it