netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
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If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I drew y’all a little something.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
felt cute might bury dad later idk
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.