My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
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“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”