[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
This could be us… but you playing
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
#oldknees
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic