“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
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date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?