taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
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me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead