Okey dokey.
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Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
this came to me in a vision
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.