Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
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Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
you will never know the true number of layers
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.