i wish i could marry a nap
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They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food