If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
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“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”