i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
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It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
This is the one
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*