To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
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*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”