*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
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Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Digital security in Ancient Troy
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I like crazy people until they notice me