The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
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My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Doggies just call it style.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.