water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
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What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I enjoy a good short stor
Why does laundry happen to good people?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.