Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
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Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.